


I Never Really Cared Until I Met You

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Crazy Love [13]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Family, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-04
Updated: 2011-11-04
Packaged: 2017-10-25 16:53:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/272567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Well I don’t want you to stay because you feel some sort of weird obligation, Hotch.  That’s not what we’re about.  It'll only make us hate each other.  Don’t make me hate you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Never Really Cared Until I Met You

**Author's Note:**

> This story is told in the Thicker than Water universe, where the BAU are kids and teens. It was written for the alphabet meme and katewallace’s prompt of M is for midnight. Man, these two characters can take me down jagged roads and really get in my skin. I wish I had another way to say it but I don’t. The title comes from the Heart song, Alone.

The thunder brought her out of peaceful sleep. Megan was so sick and tired of rain and thunder. The summer had been humid and rainy; sunny days were few and far between. It took a moment for her to realize she was alone. Soon that took priority over the storm.

Her initial reaction was fear. And even though she was scared she was also happy because sociopaths didn’t fear anything. She could add another notch on the ‘not a sociopath’ belt. But that jubilation only lasted mere moments before Megan wondered why she was alone. Not sure what to do next, she lay in bed and listened to the storm move above her.

Driving rain fell, thunder rumbled, and lightning streaked directly over where she laid her head. Counting backwards from 500, something she’d done since she was a little girl to get her mind in check, when she came to one she was still alone. So she got out of bed. Creeping around naked wasn’t a good plan; that seemed like something out of a bad teen horror flick.

Megan opened his top drawer and grabbed one of his tee shirts and a pair of boxer shorts. Then she left the room. The door across the hall was ajar so she peeked in. Morgan was passed out in bed, on top of the sheet. There was a _Maxim_ magazine beside him so she could only imagine what sweet dreams he must have been having.

She went down the attic steps and stood at the end of the hallway. Hotch wasn’t in the bathroom, she could tell because the shadow of the nightlight Penelope used was on the opposing wall. Someone would close the door if they were in there. The house was silent; all she could hear was the storm around her. Standing there in the middle of the hallway she listened for other sounds but they never came.

So she moved on; down the stairs and into the living room. The small lamp was left on as always but the room was empty. The front door was still closed and locked. But the security system was disabled. Shit, what if armed killers were now in the house ala The Desperate Hours?

She would have no kind of defense against them. Moving as quietly as possible, she went to table beside the stairs and opened the top drawer. There was a long Maglite in there so she gripped it. It felt good in her grasp. It couldn’t beat a bullet but with enough force behind it Megan could take someone out if she had to.

She moved through the rest of the darkened house on tiptoe. The dining room was empty, so were the powder room and the den. There was a toy on the floor, no doubt Spencer or Ashley’s, which almost sent her to an early grave. How lucky was she that a long roll of thunder descended at the same time she did? Covering her mouth, she screamed her expletives.

Then she sat up and checked her ankle. It jarred her, for sure, but nothing seemed to be broken. She stood, got her bearings, and kept tiptoeing. The kitchen was empty but the range light was on for the night. At first glance, the back door was secure. But then she looked again.

The slide was out of place. It was pushed back and up, which meant it was unlocked even though the door was closed. She gripped the Maglite tighter, quickly turning around as if someone was behind her. There was nothing. Was he outside? That seemed the only option at this point.

If someone was inside she hadn't heard or seen them yet. That didn’t mean they weren't up in the bedrooms killing the entire family. Hotch could already be dead. Maybe she should run while she could. Maybe the police would think she was the killer if she ran.

But who would be dumb enough to stay and die when they were so close to an escape? Whoa, whoa, whoa…she had to stop watching bad suspense movies. This house was old and creaky. If a group of masked invaders were walking around they would wake the whole place. She knew where to step to be quiet; a stranger would have no idea.

Getting her mind and confidence back, Megan just went to the back door and slid it open. Then she stepped outside. He was sitting on the porch swing looking a little lost. She didn’t want to scare him so she placed the Maglite down at her side and quietly approached.

“Aaron?” she called his name. “Aaron, are you alright?”

She was still behind him. It was possible he was dead, just like in that TV movie she watched last week. It scared her so bad she hardly slept that night. She made a major note to self the next day, no movies about home invasions while she was home alone.

“Aaron?”

“Hmm?” he looked up and then turned around. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“The storm woke me.” she replied.

“What's with the flashlight? Did the lights go out?”

“No.”

“You're carrying a flashlight but the lights didn’t go out?” he asked.

“It’s a weapon.” She replied. “Just in case…”

“I told you not to watch scary movies alone.”

“It’s a dark and stormy night and I wake up alone even though I went to bed with someone. It’s got scary movie written all over it. I wanted to grab a butcher knife but if someone was having an ice cream craving or something I didn’t want to give them a heart attack.”

“That’s cute.” He smiled a bit, dimples showing for just a fraction of a moment. Then he was solemn again.

“What's the matter?” she moved so that she was standing beside him. Then she sat down on the porch swing. “It’s after midnight.”

“I couldn’t sleep. And sometimes being in the attic is not good for my claustrophobia.”

“I didn’t know you suffered from claustrophobia.”

“It’s psychological.”

“It probably is for a lot of people.”

“No, I mean…I don’t physically feel trapped. I feel that way mentally sometimes. I have to come outside so I can breathe.”

“Is it me?” she asked; mad when the words came out of her mouth. Oh God that was such a dumb, clingy girlfriend question. Why did she ask him that?

“Of course not.” He looked at her but again, only for a moment.

“Then what is it? I mean, if you want to talk about it. I can understand if you just wanna be by yourself.” she stood from the swing. “I'm sorry if I disturbed you but it was really weird. You're just always there and then you weren't and I can admit it scared me a little and I think I'm rambling so feel free to stop me cuz I don’t do this often and I'm not sure I know how to stop so…”

“My mother killed herself.” He said.

“Oh my God, Aaron.” Megan didn’t know what else to say as she sat back on the swing. She’d known that for a while, somewhere deep down in her gut where she knew the unspoken things. Still, she thought she would know Hotch for a million years, maybe longer, and he’d never say it aloud. “I'm sorry.”

“I've never said it aloud.”

Bingo! Her instincts were right about something. Nothing about the last 15 minutes or so, for all she knew an hour had gone by, was normal but she had been right about something.

“Nobody knows; sometimes I don't even think I know. I was just six and I can only remember bits and pieces of the day. I heard the sheriff talking to my dad. They talked about pills and her being a waste and I remember feeling this dread that a child should just never feel. There's no other explanation…she was as healthy as a horse. She was full of life and spirit. He drained it from her and when everything was lost all she could do was escape.”

“You're never going to have the answers you want from this. Have you talked to Jason about it?”

“No.” he shook his head. “I've never said it aloud. How can you leave your child? How can you ever leave someone who loves you and needs you?”

“I'm the wrong person to ask that.” she replied.

“Why?” Hotch looked at her again. He reached over for her hand; needed to feel her. He needed to feel something.

“Everyone leaves me.”

“I'm not leaving you.”

“Well I don’t want you to stay because you feel some sort of weird obligation, Hotch. That’s not what we’re about. It'll only make us hate each other. Don’t make me hate you.”

“That’s not why I'm staying.” He whispered.

“Look, I know you're that guy, OK? You're that good guy, the loyal one, the one who takes care of things. You're Humphrey Bogart in Sabrina, cleaning up the mess William Holden leaves behind.”

“But he fell in love; Linus fell in love…that’s why he stayed.”

“You're not Humphrey Bogart.”

“You just said I was; make up your mind.”

“This isn’t a damn movie, Aaron. This is real life and people hurt you and they don’t care or they do care but they don’t even know how to care. I'm sorry about your mother, I'm sorry about my father. I'm sorry about all the people who live in this house and are amazing people but lost so damn much. I just…”

“I love you. I love you so much and I don’t even know how to tell you. I'm scared to give you that power over me.” he reached up to wipe an errant tear. “What the hell is wrong with me?”

“You don’t want to be hurt anymore.” Megan said. “It’s pretty easy to spit life lessons at someone else but very hard to turn the mirror on yourself.”

“If you hurt yourself, if you leave me…” shaking his head, Hotch couldn’t finish.

It wasn’t fair to put all of that on her. She had her own issues; she had a million of them. He didn’t know how they got here; how they came to be together. It was more than a passed note in a boring English class. Sometimes it felt fated, like it was supposed to be them.

They were supposed to pull each other out of the fire and cool off the long unhealed wounds. Or perhaps that was just a fantasy in his teenage mind. Maybe it would never be alright…he would never be alright. Hotch had been getting along, moving day to day, some might even call it living.

And now he was in this limbo. He feared being alone again more than anything. Maybe he should've just stayed alone so he wouldn’t remember what it was like to feel safe and secure. Nothing was ever safe and secure.

“I love you too, Aaron. I'm not leaving…where would I go? There's a whole world out there and probably some crazy ass adventures but who would want to do that alone? I want to be with you. You make me happy and, shit that really is hard to do.

“You think that doesn’t scare me out of my mind? I didn’t even know what happy was. I still don’t know if this is it.” she took a deep breath. “But I know I like being with you. I even like being with your family.

“I feel normal, or something. And even if I'm not, feeling like that is a hell of a lot better than feeling like I used to feel. I'm not going to hurt myself, not too badly anyway. Cuz I might miss something good with you and that’s not a risk I wanna take anymore.”

For a while they just sat there. They held hands as the storm surged inside of them and outside in the world. Both could’ve said so many things but words were hard to form. They needed to comprehend what had already happened, what just happened, and what could happen.

Hotch started to relax just a little. He laced his fingers through Megan’s, holding her hand up to his lips. When she put her head on his shoulder it felt a little better. He knew he wasn’t alone but sometimes it really felt like it.

He just didn’t want to feel alone on the inside anymore. He didn’t know what was worse, feeling that way all the time, or at weird times in the middle of everyone else seeming to have it all together. Most would call Aaron Hotchner the voice of reason. Too bad it was the voice of doom usually whispering in his ear.

“We can make a pact.” He said after a long silence.

“No,” she shook her head. “We don’t need to do that.”

“We don’t?” he looked at her.

“We don’t need to sign in blood, though that might be kinda cool. I love you and I'm not leaving. That’s all we need to know. We don’t need to make being there for each other a job…that’s what they do.”

“Who’s they?” Hotch asked.

“They're other people. We are so much cooler than other people.”

He smirked, and that felt good. It wasn’t quite laughter but it felt good just the same.

“I'm sorry.” He whispered.

“For what?”

“You know, I just…” now Hotch sighed.

“You don’t like showing what you refer to as your weak side. But its OK, I know you're not the strongest guy in the world. I know you hurt and you cry and you bleed and sometimes punch holes in the wall. I still love you…in fact I love you more.

“Emotion means you're not a sociopath. I was scared when I woke up and you weren't there. It only lasted a moment but I was and that means that I'm not a sociopath either. So we’re OK.”

“It might suck that we’re OK cuz we know we’re not sociopaths.”

“Nope,” Megan shook her head. “Knowing that is really important. Don’t discount anything that makes you feel better about yourself.”

“You're weird sometimes.” He replied.

“You like it.”

“Yeah, I do.” he nodded. Then he put her cigarettes in the palm of her hand.

“What are you doing with these?” she asked. “I know you weren't thinking about smoking one.”

“No but I thought if maybe you came down and found me we might have a stressful conversation. You usually need one after a stressful conversation. Not that I ever advocate smoking. I would like for you to quit.”

“I know. And I don’t care if our conversations are stressful sometimes as long as we never stop talking.”

Hotch nodded, again letting the silence envelope them. Suddenly he was exhausted. He couldn’t sleep tonight; he couldn’t sleep for days really though he’d been doing a nice job of hiding it. He’d been having dreams about his mother. They weren't really nightmares but she would come and she would take Megan and lead her away.

Hotch would try to catch them but every time he turned a corner to follow them they had just disappeared. He didn’t know what that meant. Was Megan going to kill herself like his mother had? Was he going to lose her in some other way and his mother wanted him to know that she would care for in heaven? Did it mean nothing and he was just comparing the two women because they were two of the three he’d ever loved?

“I could fall asleep right here.” He said.

“It’s a relief when you get something heavy off your shoulders. I knew something was wrong.”

“Is there anything you want to get off your shoulders?” Hotch asked, looking at her.

“I hate my father. I’d kill him if I could, that’s the truth. I've thought about it and even planned it. I can't bring myself to be ashamed of that. But something in me knows he still wouldn’t give a damn about me if I did. So…there you go.

“I know my mother loves Tim’s money more than she loves me. I know she’s gonna marry him and leave me. I say good riddance so I don’t think about how much that truly hurts. I fear living here with you could ruin our relationship somehow so I'm gonna stay at the condo. But I'm only a touch away, Aaron. That’s the way it'll always be.”

He’d heard varying versions of most of that before. Staying at the condo was new to him and he didn’t like it, but they could discuss that later. For now he would be glad that he got something off his chest, she’d got something off hers, and they were still holding onto each other.

“It’s getting really late.” He said.

“Do you fear turning into a pumpkin after midnight?” she asked, hitting his shoulder with hers.

“No, but I’ll probably be dead on my feet tomorrow at work. Mr. Kassmeyer has been noticing and I really like him but don’t want to have to avoid his questions.”

“Tell him your girlfriend sexes you all night. Tell him that she’s insatiable.”

This time Hotch really did laugh. It came from the bottom of his belly and even if it only lasted a minute or so it felt good. It was probably impossible to feel good all the time. And maybe instead of counting the moments he didn’t, Hotch should start counting the moments he did. For a while he thought he’d been doing that. He lost his way somewhere.

“I’ll have a smoke and then we’ll get some sleep.” Megan said. “This storm is the perfect weather to be naked and curled in bed with you.”

“You really know how to make a guy feel good about himself.” Hotch replied.

“I give only as good as I get, Aaron Hotchner.” She stood from the porch swing.

Megan knew he didn’t like her smoking so close to him. She was churning on the inside though, a bundle of emotions she couldn’t even name and wasn’t even sure how to feel or express. Was this cigarette supposed to repress them or what, she didn’t even know? She just knew she needed it. So she lit up and let the menthol course through her veins.

Taking a deep inhale of the storm’s fragrance and carbon monoxide felt invigorating. One was real and one was just in her mind. Hotch coming and putting his arms around her wasn’t in her mind. How could he be crazy enough to think she’d want to leave the only person who ever stayed with her? It had only been six months but there was a strength to what they had that let them both know it would last a lot longer.

“I love you.” he whispered again, kissing the nape of her neck and then her shoulder.

“I love you too. So will you do me a tiny, winy favor?”

“Yeah.”

“Talk to Jason, about your mom. You need to talk to someone and its totally OK if you talk to me but I know he has answers and thoughts and feelings I couldn’t even begin to possess. And I know how much you love and respect him. It’s out now; you don’t have to hold back anymore. Just talk to your best friend.”

“I will.” Hotch replied and meant it. “Can you do me a tiny, winy favor?”

“Oh Hotch, I find your obsession with reciprocity so adorable.” She laughed. “What?”

“Put that thing out and come to bed.”

“Can we state for the record that it’s your fault we’re up?” Megan added.

“It’s been added to the official record, yes.”

“OK.” She took one more puff, held it, and exhaled slowly. Then she plucked the cigarette into the rainy night. She turned in Hotch’s arms. They shared a sweet kiss and then held onto each other for a while.

It was time to end this night and they wanted to do it together. They wanted to do everything together and though this was ending, something else was surely beginning. There would be more stutter steps, doubts, falls, and probably scars, but they were doing it. It was OK to be scared but that was better than being alone. Hotch and Megan weren't alone anymore, even if they had to keep reminding themselves of that until everything inside of them listened.

***


End file.
